Four Years of Mourning

Yesterday was 4 years without you… and it still seems surreal. I still want to call you, hug you, and scream a long list of profanities into my pillow when reality sets in that I will never wrap my arms around you again. The millions of tears that have rolled down my face, memories of good time past, thoughts of memories you aren’t here to share.

Your grandson… oh, how proud you would be. He has fart jokes galore and talks about butts all the time. Totally inappropriate, but totally boy. I think everyone tries to love on him a little extra because you aren’t here and I think we’re all doing a really great job… but it’s not the same. You should be here. Grief is a bitch and has so many stages. They aren’t linear and you can bounce back and forth between them.

Right now, I’m in the angry one. I’m so frustrated that you aren’t here. As hard as we all try, it still isn’t anything like the love you would be able to give your grandson. You have a beautiful granddaughter, too. When she smiles, you can see the world in her eyes. Her heart is so big, though she’s still so small. I already know she will do great things in this world, just like her momma. And your wife, my goodness, talk about a strong matriarch. Four years ago, we were holding her up and none of knew what the future held and now she is soaring. I know she still grieves in her own way, but she’s so much stronger now.

The husbands of your daughters have been incredible blessings… but they wish you were here to watch their families grow, too. We really hope you can see us. I hope you are watching over our shoulders, clearing paths for our little ones, listening to the crazy things coming from the mouths of these babes. I hope you are watching Mom emerge, focusing on becoming the best version of herself. And I hope you see how much you are missed by all of us.

I do hope you see the tears… not so you feel guilty for leaving… but so you know how truly loved you are, have always been and always will be.

So, I’m frustrated with death, not with you. I will always love you… because you are my Dad. I miss you… but I’ll never stop loving you.

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