Potty Training Woes

Notice that sweet two month lag in my posts? Probably because I’ve been living in a constant state of fear… and for good reason. Potty training and a three year old… or should I say… potty training my newly turned three year old who has decided that he is literally going to test Mommy, Daddy, and every other living creature in his path. As if a tiny human roaming the house weren’t terrifying enough, just take his diaper away… and suddenly our dwelling rivals the house of horrors.

“Naked Potty Training,” they say. “Three days roaming free and he’ll figure it out,” they told me. Yeah, maybe for your precious little angel… but this deviant is testing his boundaries and has proven to have quite the imagination. We’ve learned to be overly literal… like… when you tell a child they can pee off the deck… you should probably specify they aren’t able to back their little tush up between the railings and take a big ole poo. Another point of clarity to emphasize is that the deck and the top of the staircase are completely different and standing at the top of the carpeted stairs, hands on your hips, staring at yourself in the floor to ceiling mirror… well, it’s certainly not time to watch yourself take a pee.

I’m just happy we have solid floors on the main level and haven’t invested in any new furniture. Note to all parents… don’t buy anything new… EVER.

One more fast tip… if you tell your kid they can pee in the grass, you should offer instructions like… first, you need to pull your pants down. Otherwise, they will stand in the grass, announce they are going to pee in the grass, and then stand in the grass and pee… soaking their pants and flooding their shoes… ten minutes before you have to teach a class.

As of yet, we have no potty training tips to offer other parents other than… cover everything in plastic and (if possible), drain the college fund and outsource this horrible part of everyone’s life.

Potty training wasn’t intended to be the subject of this post, but that’s what has literally dominated our life for the last (checks Instagram) 13 weeks. When they are little… everything smells like baby puke… then they grow a bit and everything smells like poop… and now, everything smells like pee. Eww.

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