Penis. Vagina. Nipples. Anatomy.

Blushing yet? We don’t nickname body parts… and that freaks some people out. Sorry… not sorry. Every family is different… and this is just how we roll. Some families are super modest, which is fine – but we don’t go out of our way to shield Munchie from nakedness. (This would also require a certain amount of privacy – something that is a mystical fantasy of parents everywhere.) Bodies are bodies. Everyone has one. Accept it and move on.

Munchie is two and a half – the kid knows he has a penis. Like most boys, he thinks it’s the coolest thing in the world. I know we’ve said before that boys have penises… and having been around friends, he’s been told girls don’t have penises… but I think he forgot… because last week this happened:

Munchie woke up from his nap and walked into our bedroom as I was getting out of the shower. No big deal. I told him to hop up on our bed (because I didn’t want him destroying anything, knocking over the cup of water on my nightstand, etc). He sat there holding his precious lovie while I dried off. As I walked from the bedroom to the bathroom, he scared the Nutella right out of me.

Munchie: *Gasp* OH NO MOMMY!!!
Me: *Alarmed* What’s up Buddy? What happened?
Munchie: *Incredibly concerned* MOMMY PENIS FELL OFF IN SHOWER!!!
Me: (Oh crap. He’s already terrified of bath time.) Awww. No it didn’t, Sweetie. Mommy is a girl and doesn’t have a penis.
Munchie: Why?
Me: Because Mommy is a girl and girls don’t have penises.
Munchie: *confused* Mommy have chicken?
Me: (Chicken?!?! WTF kid?!?!? What do I say to that? WhatdoIsay? WHATDOISAY? Truth… tell the truth.) No, Sweetie. Girls have vaginas.
Munchie: Why?
Me: (TIME FOR THE GOD CARD!) Because boys and girls are different and God only gave boys penises.
Munchie: Oh. Mommy?
Me: *terrified of what is to come*
Munchie: Can I watch Yo Gabba Gabba?
Me: *internal happy dance* Absolutely. Where’s the remote.

Never in my life have I navigated to an episode of Yo Gabba Gabba with such focus, in such a minuscule amount of time.

Fast forward to last night. We’re getting ready for bed… a time of day that is generally presented with a decent number of obstacles, requests, books, songs… and questions. Anything to delay Munchie’s inevitable bedtime.

Munchie: *points to his nipple* Daddy – what this?
Daddy: Uhh… Ummm… That’s your… *looks at Mommy*
Mommy: That’s a nipple.
Daddy: Oh, yeah, Buddy… that’s your nipple.
Munchie: Daddy have nipple?
Daddy: Yeah, Buddy.
Mommy: Look, you actually have two nipples. *Points to them while trying to wrestle a shirt on the tiny being*
Munchie: *lifts shirt… and counts* One… Two. Two nipples. *turns to Daddy* One… two. Daddy has two nipple, too! *Turns to Mommy* Mommy have nipples, too?
Mommy: Yep. Everybody has nipples.
Munchie: *tries to poke my chest* Why?
Daddy: Because, Buddy.
Mommy: *eye roll* Are you asking about nipples because you saw someone feeding a baby? (I know the answer is yes… Munchie nods.) Well, that’s what they are for. Feeding babies. Some babies eat from nipples. Some babies eat from bottles. You are a big kid. You drink from a cup and eat big boy food.
Munchie: Baby eat my nipple?!?!?
Daddy: *fighting extreme laughter* No, a baby isn’t going to eat your nipple.
Mommy: Some mommies have milk in their nipples to feed their little babies, just like (gave and example of family and friends who he has seen breastfeed). Boys have nipples so they don’t look weird in bathing suits. Alright?
Munchie: Okay, Mommy. *grabs his lovie and heads to bed*

Parenting is freaking exhausting. You get hit with curve balls all the time. The questions of your children (and other people’s children) are kind of like seagulls at the beach. Generally terrifying… because you know at any moment, you child could verbally poop out a disturbingly unexpected question that… in your mind you think you are prepared for (because you and your child rearing team have discussed situations like these… but it was in more of a hypothetical, emergency, this won’t happen to us kind of way)… but blood still rushes to your face, you are caught off guard… and even though you think your tiny spawn can no long surprise you… they do… and you look for backup… but if no one else is there to spot you… you might just have to play that one card you have stored in your back pocket that not even a toddler can dispute… and in our family… it’s The God Card.

Munchie: Why?
Mommy: Because… God said so.

The End.

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