It’s Fairy Tale week in Munchie’s class. In last night’s daily recap email, his teacher explained, “I changed the story so that it was not so morbid with grandma getting eaten. Our grandma got put into the closet because the wolf wanted the basket of muffins and cookies.”
Um – I’m sorry… YOU DID WHAT? As if the story isn’t already screwy enough – you have this “free range kid” running about the forest ALONE to get to her grandmother’s house. I’m sorry – did any helicopter parents call the police and report her parents to CPS? Because if this were my neck of the “woods,” someone surely would have reported such activities to law enforcement and they would have helicopters circling the area to search for that kid before Snitchy Susan so much as hung up the phone – and surely before she had a chance to tweet about it.
Alright – so we are lead to believe a wolf saw Red, intuitively knew where she was heading, beat her to the Grandmother’s house,
gobbled up locked Grandma in the closet, figured out how to put on Grandma’s glasses and night-gown, and crawled up in bed. Yeah – totally plausible.
But wait – it gets better. This kid shows up, busts through the door with her basket of goodies, and then believes that a WOLF is her GRANDMOTHER?!?!?! I’m sorry – was this child on DRUGS? I was all concerned about her running amuck in the forest by her lonesome self – but good gravy! THIS CHILD IS ON DRUGS! (Perhaps someone dropped ecstasy into her bag while she was trick or treating?)
Let’s be honest – in this type of situation you have two options (well, three – but the third is death, so we are skipping that one). Option #1 – RUN! You run as fast as your tiny little feet will take you… and then call animal control. Option #2 – KILL THE WOLF! Granny lives in the middle of the woods – she surely has weapons. Also – Red is a country kid from back in the day – she knows how to hunt. I’m nearly certain of it. Had she played her cards right, she may have been able to trade in her little red poncho for a nice fur coat – and some wolf stew.
Then again, seeing as Red was most likely high out of her mind – she probably hallucinated the whole thing, locked Granny in the closet, and then went to town on those (perfect pun) “baked” goods because she had the munchies.
Children should be terrified of manipulative animals who gobble up grandparents. I don’t buy the whole story… And I certainly don’t believe there’s a moral of any sort… Other than wild animals will eat your face off and drugs are bad.
FYI – I DID SOME RESEARCH
Turns out there is a moral to this story. Brace yourselves.
Moral: Children, especially attractive, well-bred young ladies, should never talk to strangers, for if they should do so, they may well provide dinner for a wolf. I say “wolf,” but there are various kinds of wolves. There are also those who are charming, quiet, polite, unassuming, complacent, and sweet, who pursue young women at home and in the streets. And unfortunately, it is these gentle wolves who are the most dangerous ones of all.
Source: Andrew Lang, The Blue Fairy Book (London, ca. 1889), pp. 51-53. Lang’s source: Charles Perrault, Histoires ou contes du temps passé, avec des moralités: Contes de ma mère l’Oye (Paris, 1697).