Post Baby Beach Body?


Okay, so it’s been over a year since my adorable little monster made his debut. Now, we all know that only freaks of nature immediately bounce back to their pre-baby size, dawning their “pre-pregnancy skinny jeans” as they strut out of the maternity ward… but after a full year, we should be able to shimmy back into those pre-baby bikinis, right? Errrt… wrong-o!

While I might be getting close to my pre-baby weight, nothing about my curves even closely resembles my pre-baby body. My hips are permanently wider… and I believe we have discussed how post baby bums are radically different than pre-baby bums (yup… when I went pants shopping)… and I have these amazing “tiger stripes” on my mid section (aka giant stretch marks). So, for me… while I might be able to eventually lose my excess pregnancy weight, my pre-baby swimwear will never see the light of day again. (Womp, womp.)

I absolutely love people watching. Last week, while we were on vacation, we went to Water Country USA. They have a few sections of the park that are specifically designed for little kids… like giant baby pools with a water spewing jungle gym in the middle.

While we were there, I took a look around to see what types of swimwear other moms (with kids about Munchie’s age) were rocking. I saw a ton of moms wearing the same things I wear… a one piece with jogging shorts, or a tankini. (I did see a couple moms with awesomely modest tankinis and I seriously regret not asking where they found them.) It made me feel so much more comfortable in my own skin to know that I wasn’t alone in my desire to keep my well earned stretch marks to myself. (Seriously, I could live in a vat of cocoa butter and they would never go away… but whatever… they are pretty impressive proof that I grew a freaking human inside me!)


But, among the well covered moms, you have a few who are rocking bikinis… and look amazing. My conclusion is that these types of moms fit into one of three categories…
1. Those freak of nature moms we were discussing earlier… and it’s alright to give them a dirty look.
2.  Adoptive parents… who are on the same level as the rest of us… no dirty look necessary.
3. Kidnapper… that baby does not belong to that woman. Someone call the police.

I didn’t even have to make those up… we already look at moms this way. Don’t believe me? Join me next time we head out to a water park, pool, beachfront, etc… and watch people’s reaction when my teeny tiny (100 lbs soaking wet) sister carries Munchie around. We will kick back, watching the scowls she gets from other moms, as we sip on some wine and laugh hysterically… which might make us pee a little… because that’s another post-baby body function we just can’t control.

Don’t let your post-baby body keep you from rocking whatever the *bleep* you want this summer. You earned that body.


6 thoughts on “Post Baby Beach Body?

  1. Love you Em, you make me laugh out loud all the time. Lots of us earned our stripes and indeed are proud, hugs!

  2. Oh, this was awesome! Don’t forget to mention how celebrities have personal chefs, trainers, etc to whip them back into shape… while I’m over here just trying to keep my kid from chewing on the laptop cord (my heart rate increases… so I count it as cardio) while eating leftover brownies for breakfast (they contain eggs… and they are kind of like bread… so it’s kind of like eggs and toast for breakfast, right?).

    1. Exactly! Their career depends on them looking good so they can probably write off all the cooks, spas, trainers and nannies so they can go workout. But let’s not forget what Spanx can do to help the illusion of being back to their pre-pregnancy bodies, not that you can wear them under your bathing suit. The tiger stripes on your legs will still show.

      1. Bah ha ha! We need those retro swim suits with shorts to the knee. Then we can rock our Spanx poolside!

  3. Also… my favorite part is around the 3:30 mark when they one lady says, “Oh great, so I still have 6 months” and the the author says, “Oh, you look fantastic!”… but you know she is secretly cursing the woman for looking so freaking good after having a baby just a couple months ago.

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