This morning was EPIC!!! Without a home phone, we don’t get many people offering us their services (except for folks who show up at our door, interrupt naps, and unleash my true Momma BISH), so when this email came through this morning, I was itching with witty delight.
Dear Emily Bish,
My name is [John Smith], President of [XYZ] Computer Consultants, LLC, is a well-established IT services company located in the heart of [Somewhere] County, MD. We have specialized in helping small to medium-sized businesses grow through the use of technology for 20 years. Our current clients include Churches, Dentists, Funeral Homes, Lawyers Medical Doctors, Plumbers and Real Estates Agents. We can immediately show you significant cost saving with our proactive service approach.
I would like to stop by your office next week to share some interesting statistics on how small to medium-sized businesses are saving thousands of dollars in information technology maintenance and operations costs. At the same time these companies are significantly reducing downtime and they are vastly improving their disaster recovery and security profiles.
Since we live and work in [Somewhere] County, we are here to support business owner here in the County. We feel that we should keep and spend our money with companies that are doing business in our community. You will see us at functions in and around our community as well as monthly visits to your office.
My fingers were literally itching with delight at the mere thought of countless witty responses I could send! This is what I went with.
Dear Mr [Smith],
You are seriously cracking me up right now. First of all, I have no idea where you got my information… because this is my personal email address. While critiquing your list buying options is not why you have contacted me, I strongly suggest you get in touch with the crappy marketing company who supplied you with this list and let them know they sold you a PERSONAL contact list, and you would like a full refund.
Now that we have covered that bit of information, I would like to inform you that despite stumbling upon my personal email address, you may be in luck. I run a (quite successful, if I do say so myself) organization. We dabble in a bit of everything here, from culinary management, hospitality, customer service, health services, financial relations, sanitation, and public affairs. As a responsible CEO, I am always looking for new and exciting ways to save money around here. The idea of saving thousands of dollars is appealing… but honestly, I’m more interested in how you might be able to save me time.
Now, you mention you are located in [Somewhere] County, which is just up the road. We are located in [Somewhere Close]. I do need to alert you to some on site hazards before we arrange your visit. First, bodily fluids are just kind of part of our job. They can be anywhere and everywhere in and around our facility. Also, be on the look out for fall hazards, which are often scattered about incoherently, due to the nature of our business. The boss around here has quite a temper and often throws objects when he finds a situation to be less than pleasing or frustrating. You should have cat like reflexes, or be prepared to endure the consequences.
Still with me? Great. That disaster recovery program you were talking about sounds fabulous. We have a lot of disasters around here. I’m hoping that in addition to protecting data, you are able to offer a more complete solution. As I mentioned, things can get a bit dicey around here and we need to protect our assets. In the last 12 months, we have plowed through keyboards, mice, and even a cable box (the boss learned that cables boxes and urine do not make a friendly combination).
Okay, now before you report “the boss,” aka my toddler, to the authorities for creating an unsafe work environment, I would like to thank you for your time. I do run a rather successful organization, which would be my household. I’m a mom… it’s demanding, exhausting, and comes with quite the a bit of unexpected (and many times unexplained) disasters. I’m also a blogger… so this lovely exchange is going on my blog. I invite you to check it out @ http://www.mommabish.com.
Fun fact: In my former life, I was a business development consultant for a managed services provider… so I both understand and respect what you are doing. I hope you enjoyed this witty exchange in the midst of all the ignored emails, “no” responses, and “please remove me from your list” replies you will get today. 😉
As of yet, no response has been received… however… I like to believe that there is a man in [Somewhere] County who is sharing my email with his friends. (Even though he is in IT and his friends might live inside of his computer in the World of Warcraft… which isn’t a judgement, just reality… and if you don’t believe me, you can ask our friend who… until recently, only referred to me as Hillson’s wife, despite my own multiple character personas, including a very fierce Death Knight… long live the Horde.)