Christmas is just three days away. Shopping is done, presents are wrapped (and we did an awesome job this year), baking is far behind us. This year I’m on top of things. I’m ready for my favorite holiday of the year… and seeing as this is Munchie’s very first Christmas… I should be nothing short of elated… but I’m not. And it sucks. Perhaps this is partially my fault… finishing things too early… not leaving any hustle and bustle… but instead leaving myself with too much free time to think. The truth is… I’m wearing a pretty thick mask… trying to plaster a smile across my face… but in reality… I’m dreading Christmas.

This year… just this ONE year… I really want it to be all about the presents. I want to fill the horrible void that surrounds my family with gifts. Let’s spend the whole day exchanging gifts… baking way too many sweets… filling our faces… and just busy ourselves with pointless activities, so we aren’t faced with reality. I want one day of happy memories where no one is mourning. Completely selfish, isn’t it?

This year has been filled with two extremely happy events that seem to be completely overshadowed by the incredible loss we have experienced. I gained a son and a brother in law (two incredibly amazing gentlemen)… but we lost Dad and Patrick’s grandmother, Mommom. This is going to be the most bittersweet Christmas we have experienced on both sides of the family.

The truth of the matter is that I only want to fill the time we spend together with our families with hustle and bustle for my own personal selfishness. I want to remember my son’s first Christmas as a happy day… not a day of mourning. It’s going to suck… and I know we have to eventually face the pain of holidays without loved ones… but does it have to be this year? On his first Christmas?

I feel like such a completely horrible monster for feeling this way. I don’t want to be disrespectful… not in any means… I just don’t want to be sad. We all spend so many other moments in tears… can’t we just have one day without them?

Ugh… perhaps this is why my blogging has been a bit on the meager side. I have just been so super jaded toward Christmas and didn’t want to admit it. Now… my thoughts are out there. Take them or leave them. Don’t care.