Before the pee even hits the stick, crazy shit is happening. You spend about nine months incubating your spawn, during which time some women experience a freaking tsunami of horrific symptoms that, if they didn’t know they were pregnant, they might just as well assume death is knocking at the front door. Yes, for some women, pregnancy isn’t all rainbows and butterflies… but a wretched experience that you try to live through. Some of us have to grit our teeth and force a smile… because… this is some sort of miracle, right? For me… pregnancy sucked. Sure, there were days I was able to enjoy the experience, but for the most part I spent my days wondering why I had wished such a fate upon myself… and how high people were when they decided to ever repeat the grueling process.

All of this being said, some people have an easy pregnancy. If you are one of those people, have compassion for the rest of us and please keep your mouth shut. We don’t want to hear your happy tails.

The same goes for labor. If you had a great labor experience (only in labor for 20 minutes, only pushed twice, your baby was smaller than an SUV), please kindly refrain from rubbing it in the noses of people who were not so fortunate. Should you ever opt to share your stories of good fortune with someone who did not have a similar experience, you should be prepared for one of many acceptable responses… including, but not limited to: the words “I hate you” (which I could tell you not to take personally… but deep down, they are being said with great truth); the individual leaving, unfriending you on Facebook, and never speaking to you again; a swift kick in the (insert alternative word for donkey).

This is kind of a life rule. If someone is having a crappy day, or has experienced something that is miserable… just let them mope for a bit. You can offer support… but you shouldn’t ever try to say something that will just make them feel worse about their situation. Common sense… or so I thought.

Now we get to the point where the spawn (or offspring… choose whichever word best fits your child today) has arrived. We are led to believe you will fall madly in love with this being upon first sight. Let’s get something straight… new babies look like aliens… you might not fall in love at first sight. Give them a few days to get cute. Heck, the reality is, some people don’t feel an immediate bond… and that is NORMAL. You just met this creature… you will learn to love. It’s okay. Don’t freak out because this isn’t a freaking Disney princess movie with some ridiculous happy ending. This isn’t the end… it is only the beginning.

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