I will be the first to admit that taking care of a baby isn’t as easy as it looks. Everything is so freaking small… and while small things look cute in a closet or drawer, putting them to use can seem like an impossible feat. Let’s take, for example, baby nail clippers. I want to be the genius kicking back with a gazillion dollars, just laughing at adults trying to use these blasted things. Solution? Just get some cuticle clippers and call it a day. They are way easier to handle, do a far better job, and your child will one day thank you for their lack of fingertip scars. If you think Mommy has a hard time navigating dainty baby items, just shift your attention to Daddy… sitting over there in the corner with his sausage fingers stuck in the armhole of a newborn onesie, like it was a gosh-dang Chinese finger trap.
I swear someone is sitting in an office somewhere, getting paid a LOT of money, to come up with design concepts that are impossible for life-size adults to navigate. As Munchie outgrows his hand-me-downs and shower gifts, we have started to develop a list of “never purchase ever again” items that had to have been developed by some sort of sadist. At the top of the list are certain brands of diapers, where the velcro tabs (some people are reading this going… in our day they weren’t velcro… you got one shot to stick the tape to the plastic… you kids have it easy) don’t have a velcro-less overhang for you to grab… but instead require you to try and scrape the tabs open with your fingernails. I need something to grasp… or I’m not buying your diapers. (And you thought it was all about absorbency. For the record… Costco’s Kirkland Brand are by far our favorite… and most “life size adult” friendly.)
Second on the list are baby clothes with no give. If they don’t stretch, we can’t have them. Trying to get tiny arms into tiny armholes that don’t stretch is a horribly tedious task that requires far more focus and concentration than the parent of a squirming baby has. You either stretch, you have buttons (snaps, zippers, etc)… or stay on the shelf. That’s my new philosophy. We have several adorable outfits that take about 5 minutes to get Munchie into. More often than not, within minutes of completing the marathon experience of putting on these difficult outfits, he vomits all over them… requiring a costume change. The only thing more difficult than getting Munchie into these impossible outfits? Trying to reverse navigate his tiny body parts through them, trying to avoid skin to vomit contact. Bleck.
The list continues to grow… and I will continue to share all of these “don’t waste your time” products with my Mommy friends… and perhaps even the world. If I can save one Mommy or Daddy from crying in the corner… with the velcro tabs of a Swaddle Me blanket tangled in their hair… so help me… I will. (Stands, places fists on hips, looks to the sky, and envisions herself wearing some sort of elaborate super hero cape.)