Back in college, I would drink a massive cup of coffee, write a super long paper, and feel incredibly productive. Now, I just drink coffee to stay awake and function. What happened to that productive caffeine high I was once able to achieve? The feeling of energy pulsing through my veins, thoughts flowing, knowledge pouring out from my fingertips? The result was always a finely crafted work of literary art. I had an incredible end product. Now? Well, I’ve made it through another day. Sometimes I feel like I’m just treading water, barely staying afloat. Coffee seems to be my life preserver… helping me keep my eyes open and move on to the next task.
Holy crap… I think I just “shrinked” myself. No, not shrunk… shrinked… like someone goes to see a shrink… like a psychologist… I just psychologized myself. My desire isn’t to have that caffeine high… my desire is to feel a sense of accomplishment. (This is where people will say… but you have that beautiful baby… you are such a great mom… blah, blah, blah.) Yes, at the end of the day, I suppose I should feel some sense of accomplishment from managing to keep my tiny human alive for another day… but… brace yourselves… I don’t. Being a mom certainly comes with a plethora of challenges… but they are emotional and physical challenges… not exactly intellectual challenges. In a nutshell… my brain cells are dying off… due to lack of stimulation.
So… what is the answer? Well… I think it is something I never thought I would admit. I like being a student and I think I want to go back to school. I think I miss learning, studying, and writing term papers. Facepalm.