Medical professionals will all fuss over when (and if) you should give your child a binkie. “Nipple confusion” seemed to be the concern. I’m just going to throw this out there… and maybe I just have a really smart kid… but Munchie never had any confusion between the nipple that soothed him and the nipple that fed him. (The rate at which I am using the word nipple is bound to be making some readers uncomfortable at this point… and that makes me giggle.)

Munchie had a binkie in his mouth within HOURS of being born. Why? Well, our justification was quite simple. He is going to suck on something… and we would rather it be a binkie than his thumb. Binkies are far easier to take away at some point in the future. (Not a fan of severed body parts.) We knew we wanted Munchie to be a binkie baby, long before he was born. I like the Soothie pacifiers… so I registered (and received) a ton of them.

Munchie had a Soothie in the hospital and did quite well with it. When we came home, he enjoyed it for a few more days… and then started spitting it out. NOOOO!!! My aunt came over and I expressed my concern. “He hates his binkie and he is going to start sucking his thumb!!! What am I going to do?!?!” Let’s face it… if he sucks his thumb, he will need braces for sure. I can’t take a thumb away… and he is going to suck that thumb until he is 20. My kid is going to be the weird thumb sucker, sitting in the corner. My aunt looked at me and said, “Maybe he just wants a different kind of binkie.”

Now… why the hell hadn’t I thought of that? My mom and aunt went out to the store and returned with a PILE of binkies. Every shape, color, brand and size. I didn’t have any idea that so many varieties existed. We busted open all the packages and started our “product testing.” For about an hour, we were sticking different binkies in Munchie’s mouth. Put the binkie in, he would spit it out. Get next binkie and repeat.

After extensive testing, we found the kind of binkie he liked! Being the genius that I am, I didn’t think to organize the binkies in any way… and the manufacturer didn’t print the binkie brand and style on the item, itself. You know what that means? We had two binkies (they came in a two pack and we found the twin) for Munchie… and no way to know what kind they were! (Don’t make this mistake.)

Yesterday morning, we lost our first binkie… which meant we were down to one. Not good. In fact, quite a nightmare! I raced from one store, to the next, hoping and praying I would find our binkie clones. Three stores later… I FOUND THEM!!!!

Munchie now has three binkies. I now know the brand, style, etc… that he prefers. Trust me… we have experienced something quite the opposite of nipple confusion… straight up NIPPLE DISCRIMINATION!!! Suck on THAT… you crazy nipple confusing experts!