Yeah, yeah, yeah… I know I’m Momma Bish… but before I was Momma Bish, I was (and always will be) a McCoy. If you aren’t a McCoy, you just don’t really get it when it comes of oddball luck, “go figure” moments, roadfinds, and the general shiznit that seems to happen to our family members. Since a couple of our McCoy men have left this world, we have started to feel as though they are orchestrating some of these shenanigans now. One recent example… the WTF Mother’s Day flowers.
Two things… my mom LOVES getting flowers… and I think sending flowers is the stupidest idea ever. They are overpriced. They die way too fast. I would rather cook someone a meal. BUT… whatever… it’s Mother’s Day… so my gift to my mother isn’t about me. Right?
So… I scour the internet and find the PERFECT flowers to send her. An arrangement of three POTTED perennials, arranged in an ombre fashion, that are PERFECT for the Maryland climate, and absolutely adorable. I literally spent a good 45 minutes researching these damn flowers to ensure they would last a LONG time.
Even better – I have a COUPON! I input all my information, the price gets knocked down to $24, I pick a FREE SHIPPING day… and select PayPal. I log in, click the purchase button… and I’m taken to a screen that confirms my $53 ORDER?!?!?!?! Wait… WHAT THE FLIPPIN’ SCRAMBLED BANANAS IS THIS SHE-OT?!?!
Oh, hells no. I pick up my phone, call their customer support number, and demand my order be cancelled. (You don’t charge someone more than TWICE the amount they agreed to pay!) The sweet flower lady informs me that my order has been locked in and she can’t cancel it. This requires contacting another department. She puts me on hold. Five minutes later, she returns to the line, apologizes for the wait and offers me a 20% discount. Um… no. She explains there is only one person who can cancel the order at this point and asks if I mind holding again. I’m placed back on hold. (No worries, I didn’t have anything else to be doing at 6:30am on a Saturday morning.) Again, she picks up, apologizes, and offers me a 20% discount and $5 off the shipping. NOOOO.
“Ma’am, I can go to Costco, buy my mom eight times as many flowers, and deliver them myself for this price. I just want my money back!” The poor woman is obviously growing frustrated with the fact she can’t do anything for me. In total, we are on the phone for 30 minutes.
Then, she makes an offer. “Sweetie, I can’t speed this up, but what I’m going to do is issue you a refund and stay on the line with the other department until they cancel this order. I’m going to warn you though, there is a chance we won’t be able to stop the shipment and the flowers will still be sent out to your mom.”
WAIT… WHAT?!?! This was a FABULOUS OFFER! YES, I WANT THAT, PLEASE! We finished up the call and was SOOO eager to share my story… but it wasn’t even 7am. I waited… waited… waited… okay… 8am. I picked up the phone, called my mom, told her the fabulous tale, and informed her she “may or may not be getting flowers for Mother’s Day.”
“Emily Marie, it is just like you to tell me what I’m getting for Mother’s Day.”
“But Mom, you might not get it.”
With a giggle, “Well, now if I do, I know you didn’t pay for it… so you still have to get me something else, too.”
On Wednesday, my phone rings… it’s Mom.
“Emily Marie – I had totally forgotten about these flowers and they came and I was so surprised!” She continued to go on an on about the package and the card (which included a heartfelt thanks for pushing me out of her lady bits) and she was thrilled… but didn’t mention the flowers.
“Mom, tell me about the FLOWERS! I spent forever researching them… aren’t they beautiful?”
“Ummm… I guess? I don’t know.”
“Wait… what do you mean you don’t know? Aren’t they cool looking? Do you like the different colors and how they fade from hot pink to white? It’s ombre – totally “in” right now.”
“Uhh… I think they’re yellow.”
Oh shit. My mom must be losing her mind… or they sent her the wrong flowers.
“Mom, they are in a box that fades from pink to white, right?”
“Yeah.” Okay… she wasn’t losing it. What in the world did they send her? Maybe they found out I got a refund and stuck something else in there.
“But… the flowers are yellow?”
“Oh, there aren’t any flowers.”
“What the sh*t? They sent you an empty box?”
“No, it isn’t empty. I think I have to grow them or something. It’s just a box with some peat moss in it… and three bulbs under the peat moss. This one looks like it’s starting to come up. Kinda looks like a penis.” (Sorry Mom, it’s pretty much the funniest part of the story.)
Awesome… I’m trying to be a good daughter… and I send my mom a “Grow Your Own Penis” kit. WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!?
I requested a picture of the “not flowers,” just to see what had arrived. Ready folks?
I will admit, these little buggers are growing rather quickly… and I’m enjoying daily updates on their progress. Perhaps this wasn’t the biggest fail ever… oh dear… no… not a fail at all… just another ridiculous “McCoy Mother’s Day” story.
Cheers – and a very happy and beautiful Mother’s Day – to the woman who pushed me out of her lady bits, and raised me to be a totally awesome, sassy, piece of work. On behalf of the world, I would like to thank you for raising a couple of awesome members of society… who aren’t afraid to voice their opinions, stand up for what’s right, and truly make a difference in the lives of others. Well done! (Now go water your free penis flowers.)