Sometimes My Kid is a Jerk

Sometimes My Kid is a Jerk

Where do I even begin? The other night, we headed to Mall-o-Ween… a safe trick or treating option in our town (which we learned you better show up on time for… because nearly everyone ran out of candy about an hour before we got there… and despite the event not ending until 9, most vendors were packed up and gone before 7pm… which was disappointing, but lesson learned… doesn’t matter… Munchie still had fun running around the mall).

So, our little Hulk is running around, chasing mascots (which included a dragon from the laser tag place, and a guy in an inflatable ice cream cone at Dairy Queen), and having a great time. All of the sudden, out of no where, this adorable little girl dressed up as Tinkerbell sees “Hulk” and gets SUPER excited. As she takes off toward him, her mom tells us that she is a HUGE Hulk fan. Tink’s mom is armed with her camera (thank goodness) and snaps a handful of pictures of our adorable kids.

I grabbed one of my (super fancy) Momma Bish cards out of my bag (so completely recommend that every mom carries a card of sorts… if for no other reason than to exchange photos… but you also never know when you will meet a super awesome friend), hand it to her, and request a copy of the pictures.

I know from experience that there is only about a 37% (a super accurate statistic that I just made up… but feel is pretty legit) chance that someone will actually contact me (because most moms are looking to connect and help each other out… which is far different from my experience distributing my contact information in the professional world, but I digress). So, yesterday, I sit down with my cup of coffee, and check my email.. hoping to see some pictures… but trying not getting my hopes up,

After being too glazed over to enter my password correctly on the first try, my email loads… and what… what is this? An email with pictures attached! YAY! I was so excited to review the adorable meet and greet between my little Hulk and Tinkerbell. I open the attached photos, my heart gets giddy… the little green fairy go in for a hug from my little giant, her sweet little words “Hulk Hug,” echoing in my mind… and then I see it… and I am MORTIFIED!

What I thought was an adorable exchange of hugs and welcoming new friends with open arms (which was apparently, only occurring in my fairytale imagination) was in reality my kid (who I’m hoping was just REALLY into his role as Hulk) DEFLECTING this precious little girl’s hug. What a jerk! I love my kid… but come on dude, really?

In sixteen years, if my son is pouting on the couch because he is lacking a date for homecoming/prom/Friday/Saturday night… I’m going to pull out this gem of a photo and remind him that maybe THIS is why he is single. (And then I will hand him an aloe plant to cover that BURN!)

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Please note: I did contact Tinkerbell’s momma and request permission to post this story. Also, I’m 93% sure my own mother is going to call me and tell me not to call my kid a jerk. Sorry mom, I can’t answer my phone. I’m (conveniently) out of minutes. I will correct myself by saying he isn’t a jerk… he just acts like one on occasion.

 

Adventures At The Patch – No Babies. No Barf. No Bandaids. Success!

Pumpkin Patch

Last year, I delivered a super sentimental post about our adorable first trip to the pumpkin patch. Everyone was like… awww. Well, I am happy to report that this year’s trip, while tons of fun and with plenty of adorable, picture perfect moments, was equally filled with hysterical memories.

We invited a whole pile of family and friends to join us… and just about filled an entire hayride with people we knew. (Completely recommend doing this! Everything is more fun in groups! Plus, our families LOVE meeting all of Munchie’s little friends and I know my mom likes meeting my other mommy friends… aka my future drinking buddies… if they ever stop being pregnant all the time. Seriously, when are we going to sit on the couch eating bon-bons and drinking wine all day while our children color on the walls?)

Oh, that brings us to the first pumpkin patch memory. Vegan Mommy almost had a baby in the middle of the pumpkin patch (crazy hippie)! Her doctor was all like, “you are officially on bed rest,” which she translated to mean… “just take a chair and sit in the middle of the field.” Fortunately, I am trained in emergency childbirth (random, fun, and slightly terrifying fact) and could totally handle that situation.

Among the many things I can’t handle, though? Well, apparently we can add hayrides to the list. WTF?!?! Who can’t ride on a freaking wagon being pulled by a tractor? Too incompetent to be lazy? Come on new, Momma Bish! After taking about three pictures of Daddy and Munchie (who were sitting across from me) I started to get a very familiar woozy feeling. I looked at my mom, who was sitting at the back of the wagon, with incredibly wide eyes and said, “MOVE OVER, NOW!”

Thinking I wanted to sit by my family, she scooted further toward the edge of the wagon. “No! The other way!” Confused she followed my direction. All I could think was… awesome… I invited all these people we know to watch me blow chunks off the back of a hayride. I couldn’t let that happen. How freaking embarrassing would that be?!?!  My only option was to jump. I started reaching for the chain that was acting as a door.

My mom grabbed my arm, “Emily Marie! What are you doing?!?!”
“Mom, I have to jump.”
“Emily, you can’t jump off this thing. It’s moving. You will get hurt.”
“Mom, I don’t care… I have to do it.”
She tried to appeal to my logical, business mind. “Emily, it’s a liability for the farm, you can’t do that.”
“Mom, I’m not going to sue anyone… I just need to get off of this damn thing.”
Then she tried to appeal to my mothering/role model persona, “But all these kids are going to see you and they will think they can jump off, too.”
Damn… that was a good point. “Mom, just stop talking.”

I needed to focus. I closed my eyes, took long deep breaths, and counted to ten. Finally, the “Ride of Doom” came to a stop. I dismounted from the wagon like a ninja gymnast (pretty sure there were some aerial flips and such taking place). It literally took everything in my to NOT kiss the ground.

We stomped around to find some pumpkins, which was a hysterical event in and of itself. Kids were face-planting all over the field, as their little feet got tangled up in the pumpkin vines. (Pick up your feet, guys!) This year, we were a bit more excited in playing in the dirt and using the pumpkins as drums than actually finding a quality carving companion… but I’m sure that is a skill learned in time.

Best part of Vegan Mommy being perched in a chair? We had a great place to stack our pumpkins! After collecting our festive squash and a few delightful gourds (and taking a billion pictures), we made our way back to the barn (some via the rolling doom wagon… and others by foot… aka just me and a toddler who I’m pretty sure just has a fabulous soul and didn’t want me to look like a weirdo walking alone…). The kids played around in the corn tables for a bit, we paid for our fancy fall decor, loaded up the cars, and headed home.

No babies were birthed. No chunks were blown. No wipeouts needed so much as a bandaid. I would deem this trip a success. Next year, we will do it all again… but Momma Bish will be walking… because she is a giant wimp.

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Big thanks to Brookfield Pumpkins for always being so gosh darn amazing! Please note, this is NOT a sponsored post… I just really really love this place and the people who own it.

The Caffeinated Laptop Disaster/Miracle

The Caffeinated Laptop

Nothing says “Happy Freaking Monday” quite like a toddler dumping your (much-needed) cup of coffee directly into your laptop keyboard. I was literally sitting at the table… typing away… when Munchie ran over, quickly grabbed my coffee, and dumped it all over the computer. (Excuse me… since when can he reach that high?)

I reacted with lightening speed, unplugging the device, flipping it upside down, and grabbing gobs of paper towels to blot up the mess. Yes, I know he’s a toddler… and yes, I know accidents happen… but what I don’t understand is how something so crazy could have happened while I was sitting RIGHT THERE!?!? (He’s quick!)

I didn’t yell at him, though I did stick him in his room while I cleaned up the mess. This is when having a husband who is a techie really comes in handy. I started popping keys off my laptop keyboard to dry off all the nooks and crannies. About halfway through the keyboard, Daddy Bish walks through the door.

Confident my superhero of a husband will be able to restore my computer to working condition, I had him take a look. “I think your motherboard is fried.” An internal panic attack started to ensue… “and you probably shouldn’t have popped all these keys off… most of the time you can’t get laptop keys back on.” Well… crap.

After a night of drying… and lots of praying to God that he would have mercy on my motherboard (because you have to be specific in your prayers)… I put the battery back in. HUZZAH! Motherboard NOT fried! My keyboard, on the other hand (which I did manage to reassemble) had a few keys that didn’t want to respond. Solution? USB keyboard. (My laptop and I have been through a lot together… wedding planning, several jobs, baby announcements… googling what fruit/vegetable Munchie was looking like in my belly… blogging… we have an intimate history.)

This afternoon, I fire up the laptop… and through what I can only explain as a technical miracle… EVERY key on this thing WORKS! (I did have to pop the space bar off and reconnect it… but that’s it!)

After moping around for a week about having a broken computer, I can move into the weekend with a fully functioning device. (Several people have pointed out that I’ve been a bit “off my game” this week… and now you know why.) While I would like to tell you that I have learned my lesson… I’m still sitting here, blogging, with a cup of coffee in front of me… but Gabba is on… so I think I’m safe… for now.

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Dear Otterbox,

My laptop is WAY more valuable than my phone. Trying to make me a kid-proof case for this thing?

Thanks,
Momma Bish

I Have ONE Child… and That’s OKAY.

Only Child

Many couples will nod in agreement… from the moment you say, “I do,” everyone starts pestering you about when you are going to have a baby. Perhaps you don’t want kids at all, maybe you want to wait, you might be like us – with a plan to start trying right away, or maybe you already have a kid(s) (or one on the way). Ultimately, the decision about how, when, and if you will ever have children isn’t up to friends and family… it’s your call (though most potential future grandmas beg to differ).

Then, if you DO decide to have a child (which is an incredible process)… you better have the socially acceptable number of children (two… one boy and one girl… in that order) or you will never hear the end of it.

In America, we have this “family of four” standard… which, given the divorce rate in our country, is kind of ironic. In fact, I almost feel like getting divorced has become less taboo than straying from the “two child” lifestyle. (Oh, our great-grandparents would be shaking their fingers at us!) You have one kid? When is the next one coming? You have more than two? Sorry to hear that… don’t you know how to use birth control… your life must be impossible!

Get over it people! My family planning is NONE of your business (but my whole life is on the internet, so I’m going to publicly rant about it anyway)! I have ONE child. He isn’t being raised like the stereotypical “only child” you have a negative connotation of… he is being raised as a socially well-adjusted member of society.

Are we planning to have more? Well, we were… but due to my current medical situation we have accepted that Munchie might very well be our only child… for the long-term. This isn’t necessarily something that has been easy to accept, but it’s the hand we have been dealt. If you haven’t ever been in a situation where your fertility was called into question… or confronted with life threatening risks to you or your child, you can’t really comprehend the size of the blade someone feels when you ask, “When are you having a(nother) baby?”

I feel like our society is starting to become more sensitive toward families with fertility issues… but don’t forget… just because someone has ONE child… doesn’t mean they are able (or want) to have more. You don’t know the stories of the people around you… and you don’t need to… but now you know mine… and what I’m dealing with… and since I have now publicly ranted about it… I think I have permission to start smacking people in the face when they ask me if/when we are going to try for number two.

Just sayin…

Playing Games… and Testing Boundaries

Sike

Coming from a family of sarcastic tricksters, we weren’t shocked when Munchie started psyching us out (though I do admit, I wasn’t expecting this from him at such a young age).  From the time he was just a few months old, we started practicing the phrase, “not in the mouth,” which I must admit is perhaps the most helpful thing (aside from walking) that he has probably learned so far.

We recently brought back play dough, after a pretty lengthy hiatus (eh hem… Mommy was being lazy). Munchie knows he isn’t allowed to put the stuff in his mouth… but like most toddlers, needs to be reminded of the rule every once in a while. No big deal… but apparently my “not in the mouth” command and accompanying facial expressions are hysterical enough to demand an encore… because he started putting the dough up to his mouth (wide open), freezing in place, and giggling!

He’s like, “Hey Mom, look what I’m doing! Are you going to stop me? Or are you going to let me eat this (non-homemade… because you were being lazy… probably made in China from the toxic chemicals and the souls of small children)?”

Taunting us with his antics has become quite the game around here. From pretending to eat play dough, to testing the limits on how many times he can knock his milk over before we declare, “all gone,” we are most definitely in a stage of exploring boundaries.

It kills me… because I know he is totally aware of the rules… and I know he is trying to see what he can get away with… but at the same time, he is being so goofy about it! Sure, before I have my coffee in the morning, the antics are less than adorable… but once Mommy has the energy to fully engage… this kid goes from being a crazy mischievous, boundary pushing maniac… to a hysterical little jokester, just trying to get a rise out of us.

My only regret is not having an unlimited amount of energy to always be 100% engaged and tolerant of his shenanigans… because deep down, he really down know what the boundaries are… and he’s just trying to play. (Well… most of the time… sometimes, I’m pretty sure he’s trying to give me a heart attack so he can climb on the table and eat all my disgusting… but oh, so addictive, candy corn, before anyone is able to alert a medical professional.)

Macaroni Art is NOT For Breakfast

noodle art

Very little surprises me anymore. Since I stepped foot on the crazy train, I have learned to expect the unexpected. But… it does seem like just when you think you have seen it all… your kid finds some new and crazy way to try and shock you. Like…seriously… I’m pretty sure Munchie sits awake in his crib at night, just plotting his shenanigans for the next day.

This morning, I’m trying to down a cup of coffee (in a last-ditch effort to wipe the zombie-fied look off my face) and filling out forms for Munchie’s first dental appointment. I glance up and he is sitting across the (super messy) table from me. Too tired to process the extent of the situation, I go back to filling in all sorts of numbers and details… which… again, given my state of exhaustion, are taking every ounce of brain power to remember.

Then, I hear a crunch. WTF was that? I only gave him a bottle and a banana! What was he crunching? Crap.

I look up just in time to catch him in the act. He has located the macaroni pumpkin Sweet Cheeks made this week and is proceeding to pick off the bright orange noodles and EAT THEM!

“Hey! We don’t eat macaroni art for breakfast!”

He looked at me and I could see his little eyes twitching, as if they were trying to figure out how to make an exaggerated rolling motion… and he hopped down off the chair.

While I’m not shocked that Munchie attempted to eat macaroni art for breakfast, I am always slightly amused by some of the phrases that come out of my mouth.

Calling All Baby Bumps (and Former Bump Club Members)

Due Date Baby

Hey MD/DC Metro Mommas – Looking for something awesome to do this weekend? Join me on Sunday, October 12th for Due Date, All Things Baby, at Port Discovery in Baltimore! I’m attending as one of their VIP Mommy Bloggers (whoop whoop… because I’m so famous and stuff) and I really really hope to see some of your fabulous faces there!

Don’t even get me started on how much I LOVE Port Discovery… and what a genius place to have an event for new and expecting mommies! If you have kids, I suggest bringing them (and Dad… or some sort of responsible party) and going two separate directions at the door. Mommy can head one way for a fabulous afternoon of exhibits and seminars… and the rest of the family can go crazy at my favorite children’s museum ever! (Seriously… if you haven’t been there, google it and just go ahead and buy your tickets… because you are going to fall in love.)

So, what is Due Date? Omigosh… I’m so happy you asked! Ever been to one of those crazy bridal expos that are filled with bridezillas, mauling each other for a bite-size sample of chocolate cake? Well… it’s like that… only take away the psycho brides who want to kill each other… and add tons of amazing new and expectant mommies (and some daddies, too) who are looking to gain or share information with one another… AND a ton of fabulous exhibitors… AND GIVEAWAYS (4 Moms Breeze Playard, massive gift baskets of MAM and Lansinoh products, an Ingenuity InTrust 35 Pro Infant Carseat, Medela Pump In Style Advanced with On-the-go Tote, family admission to Ripley’s Believe It or Not in Baltimore, and more)!

I’m super excited to check out all of the awesome vendor exhibits, see what new products are available on the market, and get some sweet tips on how I might be able to hone my parenting skills (if not for this child, then surely to pass along to other mommies). Event presenters will lead workshops such as Breastfeeding 101 (presented by Lansinoh… who I would totally trust for advice on this), Car Seat Safety, and Sleep Talk Therapy (which I haven’t ever heard of… but sounds amazing)!

So, what are you waiting for? Hop on over to their website, check it out, buy your tickets… and I’ll see you there!

I’m always up for meeting new mommy friends and I can’t wait to get to Due Date tomorrow!

(Hmm… perhaps we could sneak away afterward for a glass of wine with our new mommy friends… and the new mommies to be can indulge in some sort of fabulous dessert.)

OH – AND… I get to bring a super fabulous guest with me… so the competition is on… who wants a free ticket and HOW are you willing to earn said ticket? Ready… set… GO!!!

Driving (Mommy) Up the Wall – Vertical Learning

Driving Mommy Up the Wall

The kids are always driving their cars around on the walls, so I figured a little ingenuity would surely make this a more educational (and fun) activity. Since I started putting our new playroom together, I have been trying to come up with ideas for using not only the flat floor space, but also our vertical wall space, to engage the kids in play. This seemed like a perfect opportunity!

Before doing anything extreme, like painting roads all over my walls, I figured I would see if the munchkins would even care about the vertical roadway idea I had in my mind. So, I reached for the painter’s tape and started creating lines and curves on my open wall space.

Immediately, the kids started grabbing cars and tracing the lines! I must admit, I was slightly impressed. (Okay, Munchie didn’t trace the lines… but he mimicked Sweet Cheeks and her mad driving skills.) The large curves quickly became a favorite.

A couple helpful tips…
1. Be sure your kids use cars designated for INDOOR use only, or you are going to have all sorts of dirt on your walls. I also recommend using the old gym class rule of “non-scuff” cars. (Unless you don’t care about your walls or have plans of painting in the future.)
2. Choose your wall WISELY! I put Munchie down for a nap and quickly realized Sweet Cheeks was zooming cars around on the wall that bordered his bedroom. Zoiks! We quickly made a second set of roads on a “safer” wall.

Vertical learning is super fun, a fabulous way to expand your play space, and I’m pretty sure if I weren’t so lazy, I could Google a million ways vertical learning will promote your child’s brain function and require an extra-large college saving plan for your future ivy league student.

Happy Driving! Beep – Beep!

 

Totally Amazing Plan… Foiled By Reality, Responsibility, and Adulthood

After an exhausting weekend apart, Patrick and I flopped down on the couch together and rented The Neighbors (which is FINALLY available for RENTAL on Amazon Prime… thank you very much). This is where I must insert a serious disclaimer… this movie is not suitable for children… or even some adults (you have been advised).

We immediately felt connected to the main characters… who are the first among their friends to be married, have a mortgage, AND an infant. They get invited out by friends… and desperately want to continue their crazy carefree lifestyle… except… that tiny human makes “going out” a but more challenging than expected.

Instead of telling you the whole story, I will just fast forward. A frat moves in to the house next door…

Pause… Patrick and I look at each other and realize this would be absolutely incredible… and completely horrible at the same time. Thirty more minutes into the movie (during a frat party scene), the following conversation takes place…

Patrick: I remember going to parties like that.
Me: Ugh… I want to be at that party right now (totally sober of course).
Patrick: (Laughs) Yeah, that would be awesome!
Me: I think we should do this for our next date night. We can take Alex to our parents’… go  out… then recover the next day.
Patrick: Hey, we could just go to College Park!
Me: OMIGOSH!!!! AND IN THE MORNING WE COULD GO TO IKEA!!!!!!

And… that’s when we realized that perhaps our lives have just officially changed. (Not to mention the fact… I’m in bed before college parties even start… and they are so loud… and I only have yoga pants and mom jeans… I mean… what would I even wear?)

It’s like the kids say… YOLO… and unless I find a time machine… my idea of a night out is going to look more like Target… and less like a frat house. #getoffmylawn

Stranger Affirmation – Thank You, Sir

Munchie at Target

First, you need to understand that my child LOVES Target. We typically visit the store during less crowded times of the week, so he can stomp around, check things out, play in the aisles a bit… it’s fun… so, of course he loves it.

Well, yesterday we were at Target buying some new (insert way more random crap here than we ever intended to purchase). My husband and I looked at each other and exchanged an, “OMG, we need to leave now before we pile anything else to this cart, which resembles some sort of mountain only the most experienced climbers would even attempt to scale,” kind of glance.

I told Munchie it was time to go… and he immediately expressed his displeasure with our decisions, which he didn’t even get a chance to weigh in on so that he could express his counterarguments and opinions. (How very inconsiderate of us.)

So, I’m holding both of his hands, walking behind him as he sobs (some seriously convincing tears) which are breaking my heart… almost as much as our overflowing cart threatened to break our bank account… and I muttered, “I know Buddy, I’m such a mean Mommy.”

Just as I muttered the phrase a second time, a gentleman (maybe 50) walked down the aisle in the opposite direction. I thought he was going to shoot me one of those, “get a grip lady, can’t you control your kid, why don’t you just put him the damn cart” kind of looks. BUT… without missing a beat (or even slowing his step) he made eye contact with me and with a gentle smile on his face he said, “No you’re not – You’re doing a great job, Mom!”

A smile instantly spread across my frazzled face. Had I been by myself, I probably would have been reduced to a crying heap on the floor (obviously, the most natural way to express my gratitude)… but I was pretty sure that if I so much as stopped walking, my husband (not seeing me over the cart) would have run me over, right there in the middle of the home decor section of Target.

So, to the stranger I was too caught off guard to thank… THANK YOU, SIR! Your kind words are still ringing in my head and are more appreciated than you know.

The Twists, turns, and true tales of a mom and her pint sized human

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